tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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