I think I won the penis lottery.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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