I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
