Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
