if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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