Im at strip club and am horny
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
me + whiskey = a bad person
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
