just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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