I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
