I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
