Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
