I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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