remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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