Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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