I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
