i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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