tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
