That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
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That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
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Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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