Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My legs feel like baby dolphins
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
