Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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