just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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