i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
