So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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