im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
