i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
