his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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