The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
