I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
