Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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