My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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