i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
