Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
