we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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