well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
