Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
