when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
