FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It's never too late to be topless.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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