We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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