WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
