you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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