She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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