OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
