Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I need to stop coming to work sober
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
