I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
