I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
