My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
