I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
