I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
