Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I think people are normalizing furries
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
