my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
