you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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