I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The feeling are messing with the penis
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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