my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
