apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
