Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Oh god it's open bar.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
