I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
