We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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